The Lie of Fear of Failure
The “fear of failure” can be subtle and have a lasting impact and is always lurking just beneath the surface ready to spring on you. Let me start with myself and perhaps you can relate to some aspects of my own experience.
I’ve had a speech impediment most of my life and no matter how hard I tried to identify the root and fix it, although I’ve certainly improved, I haven’t totally eliminated it. Not until recently did I realize that the real issue has been “fear based” all along.
Unmasking “Fear”
How did I know? I noticed that I’d tighten up and basically restrict my breathing in situations when I faced others, be it one-on-one or groups. I (note the BIG I) wanted to look good and so I put that pressure on myself. No wonder I had difficulty getting some of the words out. I was uptight and without realizing it, I was restricting my breathing. Once I became aware of what I was doing, I realized that I could do something about it. For instance, releasing my diaphragm through breathing exercises in order to loosen myself up before speaking. Toastmasters certainly helped with that aspect, especially speaking in front of a group.
The COVID-19 introduced another challenge. Because of the stay at home mandate and separation recommendations coming from the government, our Toastmasters group resorted to using an online meeting/conferencing application called ZOOM for our meetings. Although it sounded like a good alternative to meeting in person, it brought out another challenge for me. I did not grow up with a telephone and for some reason later in life this presented itself as a barrier. Perhaps because I was now talking into an inanimate object, rather than face-to face with another person.
Unmasking “Failure”
Although with ZOOM, you can see the other individual(s) via video, it’s not quite the same as face-to-face. Again, here I was speaking to an inanimate object, just like the telephone, even if I could see the other participants faces. OK, another obstacle to overcome.
As I began to reflect on the why, and searching for some insights, the word FEAR kept coming up. I thought I’d pretty much done away with that earlier and realized just how subtle fear can appear and asked myself, how will I ever conquer this fear? Then while reading a book by Michael Neill with a quote by Tracy Goss which said “If you operate with the acceptance of failure, you will remain confident no matter what happens during the course of (fill in the blanks).”
The word failure hit me like a ton of bricks. That was it, I realized that I’m afraid of failure. Meaning afraid of letting myself down or more accurately, “what would others think of me” or, so I thought. The truth is that I was acting as the judge and jury of how I performed. It was all in the thinking I had made up. My own expectations, were the bar that I had set. Going through my subconscious mind was the following thought; “My ego will be crushed if I blow this one or do this right.” It was all about how I (notice the I?) looked at myself and prejudged how others may look at me.
“Fear of Failure” Is An Impostor, Don’t Let It Stop You
Fear manifests itself in physical ways, on the other hand, “failure” is what we think of a situation, a mental issue. Although mental, nonetheless it can manifest itself as stress and anguish. Because it is rooted in our thinking, we have the opportunity to either erase the word or attach a different meaning to it. For instance, “what did I learn?”
Many of us struggle with “fear of failure.” Carried to its extreme, it drives some of us to not start a project till all the pieces are in place, which in many cases, may never happen. In the end one may even stop attempting. Here’s where my friend Chris Krimitsos’ “Start Ugly” concept comes in. Just get started, take that first step and adjust as you make forward progress.
Erase “Failure” From Your Vocabulary
Even better, what if you just accepted “failure” as part of the process. Perhaps you’d approach new challenges no longer fearing “failure,” it’s just part of the process. Now, when you approach a new challenge, project or situation, if something you attempt does not work out the way envisioned, analyze it and perhaps there is a better way.
In everyday task and project that I have total control over, the thought of “failure” seldom enters my mind. On the other hand, my unfounded fear of communicating through inanimate objects such as the phone or ZOOM, is still a work in progress. Although there’s no magic bullet, I now realize what the issue is, and once surfaced, I’m able to do something about it.
How about you? What is stopping you?
Great